Back then when I decided to myself "that's it, I'm not going to lie down forever" and get back up and climb the hole walls once again, I thought I was NEVER gonna get down here ever again. That I'm finally okay, and I will never have to take a break from being okay again. I'm not happy, neither euphoric, but I'm doing okay and that's a whole lot better than being all gloomy and sad. However, life, being the bitch that she is, decided "okay is not good. Here's another fuck up for your life" and laugh her way back into nothingness.
I thought as I'm climbing I'll eventually be out of this shitty hole of fuck-ups and end up enjoying the world once again. Until this big boulder fall off the entrance of the hole and push me down along to the bottom. And here I am again, lying at the bottom of this hole. Right now, at this moment, I thought that maybe I was born to occupy this place, not for a while, not for some times, but forever. After all, what's so bad about hitting rock bottom? One thing for sure is that I know that I am not gonna fall ever again, at least if I never try to climb back up.
From this moment also I realize that love is the most sinister kind of robbery there is. it's the kind where the robber is also a rapist. It's the kind of robber that you believe the most at the beginning, thinking that they cannot offer you anything but happiness but as they start their move, you realize that shit is not as what you imagined. That's what love is. It sucks all the light that you have in yourself, even the tiniest glimpse, making sure that you'll be left with nothing but this hollow in yourself that nothing can cure again.
I don't know, really. I wanna be happy, but as I'm being in the state of happiness, I know that darkness and loneliness is always there waiting for its opportunity to snatch back your life from you. What's the point then? At least, sadness will ALWAYS be there, unlike happiness that people spent their entire life in pursuit of. I'll stay here.
I don't know anymore,
M. Qarin Al Maduri
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