For you

"Isn't that what love means? That you're supposed to be there for the other person to turn to, no matter what?"

This is one the thing that I wrote in one of our darkest days. When our heads weren't at the right place, when our thoughts are terribly damaged because of the anger that fill both of our hearts.

You’ll never know how thick of a wall I’d built around me. Adorned with electric fences, I felt safe. Not peaceful, not ever, but still, I felt protected. It was the kind of wall that repelled any presence, any soul from entering while I stayed inside, wondering why isn’t anyone coming to be, at least a friend as loneliness started to glue itself around me, before I realized how I chose to live. Alone. So afraid of being hurt that I demolished  every emotions that preyed on hope until I have none left. A lifeless soul I became. With no light to found inside me. It was looking deep into a cave. You wouldn’t find any light as it have been banned to enter. And that was what being me felt like.

You'd find me everyday talking to people normally, laughing hysterically, like I'm the brightest person that have ever been live in this word. But truth is, I'm not as bright as I am. I never say how I really feel. My voice won't get out when I tried, my tongue stuttered of the words I really wanna say, and that's how they all gathered inside of me -- until I found you. I decided to pour them all out onto you, instead of just writing them like how I've always did.

We would sometimes, not speak for a really long time, and every day that we don’t, I try and act okay about it. I want to feel okay about it, but I can’t. Putting on this act just isn’t working for me because there was too much left unsaid. I don’t know how you are, how you feel, or how long it’s going to be before we talk again. Will we miss each other's voice? Each other's face? Will we soon learn to be okay with this, and then just fumble past all those special moments without saying anything at all? I’m so scared of that happening. I’m scared I’ll never be able to even look you in the eye because everything we need to say is hopelessly hanging in the silence that occurred the last time we just stopped. I’m scared that I’m going to miss it all.

To be honest with you, I won't alwaus have the words to make you feel better every time we fight, but I do have the arms to give you a hug, ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about, and I have a heart; a heart that’s aching to see you smile again.

I know that sometimes we’re fucked up, alright? I’m impulsive and hot tempered, and you get under my skin like no one else. You act like you hate me one minute, and then you need me the next. I never get anything right, and I don’t deserve you.. but I’m so in love with you, Ainaa. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone or anything, ever. When you’re around, I don’t need money or anything.. all I need is you. You’re all I think about. You’re all I dream about. You’re all I want. Because --I like myself better when I'm with you.

I’m writing this to tell you that I love you. You’re my first thought in the morning and I hold in my last breath at night. I need you more and more each day, like an addiction of some sort, an addiction to love I guess. The most important thing is you never let me go- no matter how hard I tried to push you away. And that, is something I very appreciate.


Thank you for appearing in my life,
M. Qarin Al Maduri