Mixed feelings?

I don’t even know what it is that I’m feeling anymore. Everything has been crashing down at once. My parents, they told me I’ve changed. I’m no longer the child I used to be and the worst thing is, I don’t even remember who he was anymore. I’ve become this monster, this person that I’m ashamed to call myself. I don’t what it is that caused me to go through all of this. They told me how I make them feel worthless, how I say things with such ease that I don’t even notice how much I’m hurting them. These past days I haven’t really talked to anyone. I’m afraid that I’ll push them away and hurt them. It’s not like i’m a bully. I’ve seen these people and what they go through, me being one of them. I guess that when I try to defend myself, people take it to a level that I never reached. 

My flaws, they have all completely knocked me down. I see all these perfect guys all around the world walk proudly with their perfection. Why can’t I have his boldness? Why can’t I be as romantic as everyone else? Why can’t I have his life? Why can’t I be good enough?  I’m trying so hard. I even tried to be something I'm not. I try everything. It hurts even more to know that I’m being forced to look at that thing in the mirror, everyday, then seeing nothing but a complete jerk. It irks me to know that I’m trapped in this body forever.

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And do you know that unusual feeling you had to someone you barely talk to, seeing eyes to eyes with nor know each other so well? But then again, it is always this one feeling to her, even that I know she won't love me back, as well as I do love her. I love her, she loves someone else. The story were always the same; the one-sided love story and all I can do is being happy for seeing her happy. Some people look at me and say I’m a kid, but when it comes to love… I think everybody’s a kid.  So yeah, I’ve got a lot on my mind and I just needed to say it. I needed to let someone know. Till then..

I hope things would get better,
M. Qarin Almaduri