No longer is..

"Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care anymore, but because they don't."

I sit in silence. Normally my head is clouded with thoughts or I am playing music to drown them out. But now it’s quite. I feel empty. And frankly tired. I just want to get to the point where life is actually worth living. Cause right now? Not so sure.  Everything I knew feels so foreign, and everything I was I can’t even remember. Right now all I’m thinking about is how my parents doesn’t want me. And they doesn’t feel like they can talk to me about anything that matters. And how they only see me as I used to be.  And I just want to talk to everyone and know what they think and how they feel and talk about how I feel. How this isn’t okay. I see so many problems in myself I just want to fix them all. I just want to feel equal with people.

But I can’t explain my feelings to them, not when they has another child to be took care of. Not when we’re not as close as we used to be back then, as a family. And not because we’ll never be together.  How do I tell my parents how selfish they're being? How they doesn’t even realize I’m nowhere close to who they thinks I am? In the past year so much has happened. They talked to me when they were unhappy but now that I’m in a bad place and they aren’t its like nothing matters. I don’t want them to even look at me. Because they're not seeing me.  I’m not innocent anymore, mum, dad. I’ve done things I know you guys will never do and I’ve wanted to do things you couldn’t even imagine. I want you guys to see how messed up I am because pretending is too painful now.

But this is the way things are. I can’t just gather everyone who’s important to me and make them listen. I can, before this.. but I'm no longer their favorite child and nothing I could do to fix things like the way it used to be, before. I need them to love me still, if that’s possible. Actions speak louder than words. So I guess it means more in their eyes if my thoughts are so bad I act on them. Shall I role up my sleeve? Mix drinks with random pills? I don’t want to hurt myself anymore though. I just want them to know how bad it is. Hating yourself this much.

Indeed, to be a child is the best phase in life,
M. Qarin Almaduri